Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
my poor anus
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
