My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
