Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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