i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
