Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
