I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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