Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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