I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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