im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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