i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
