well he's currently spooning the coffee table
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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