TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
