My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Randomize
