i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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