He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
