Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
