i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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