i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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