you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
