he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Every concussion has its silver lining
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
