Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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