Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
