My sheets look like a crime scene.
should my penis look like a turkey
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
