I wish I could punch you in the face.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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