all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
my liver is dry heaving
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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