The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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