There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
