im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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