Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
