the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
