I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
