I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
