Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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