i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
