my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize