this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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