She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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