I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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