as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
