dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Randomize
