The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
