I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
