Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize