I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She bit a glass in half.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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