Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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