I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
