its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
