My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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