Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
