At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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