His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
