tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize