my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize