my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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