i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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